Not bad... 3 months and 12 days into 2011 and only been depressed twice... I think that is truly amazing... But this time last year I don't think the depressing things started... But this depressions is something that's leading into long term and It doesn't have current cause its just me thinking about past.. and that has proven to be a horrible idea.. I've been just sitting in the house tonight and listening to a song that isn't the happiest of things to listen to but I like it so I couldn't turn it off.. Been listening to the song for 5 and a half hours... Changing it now though..
It's been a happy year so far.. New friends.. just all in new me.. I don't rely on people as much and through 2010 I learned lots and I was a complete mess but that a lesson learned... I though through everything that went wrong.. what was holding me back and stuff.. I can't just through it to the back of my head and It wasn't helping just trying to drink my problems away so I've tried facing them but I can't and I can't just talk them out to anyone so back the the whole 'It didn't happen' kinda thing.. but that fails and gets me nowhere.
I lost a lot through 2010 I fucked up my whole life.. done things that are unchangeable and I dunno how I would be living right now if it didn't happen cause It brought me and my mother closer together cause I respect her action towards what was happening and I love how she doesn't bring it up she just helped me out and moved on as if nothing went wrong in the first place but sometimes when I'm alone with her I wonder if she thinks about it... It wasn't just the easiest to forget of things and It is a hard thing to deal through not just for me but my mum for my gran and for the other person involved.
I know that my Gran thinks about it a lot cause she always speaks about it.. she tries to make me feel good about it and I just put on a happy face and pretend like It's ok but really it's cutting my insides to shreds and makes me just want to go back to drink and just get pissed and try to drown my days away thinking about ended my life through it all but still to this day I'm trying to be strong and this is like a day off that I just have to try to get out my system.
I think about silly little thinks about if it all went differently like where I would be today.. would it have been happier and better? would it feel complete? or would it be hard to live though? would I not be able to handle the pressure it brought? No one would ever know and that's a kinda pathetic and shit thing to think about I know but it was there.. and that's all I think about.
It's hard to be around most of my family sometimes because of it because its like right in my face.. there is very few people that know about it in my family but them who do I don't know how to hide it from them.. my Gran can see it in me.. she knows when it's in my head but I don't know about my Mum because as I said she just kinda leaves it where it is.. in the past and it's not something you want to have a conversation about with your son and I understand that but one night of crying and getting her and my auntie to hug into me wasn't enough.. I just kinda need the relief of it and I just don't know or understand how to get it.
The rest of my year has been fun through hanging with friend some really amazing party's also meeting new people that are very lovely.
I appreciate the things that people are doing for me more and I'm less reliant on people so that's a positive me and my family are closer and I'm putting myself in good position now I've grown up over the past 3 months and I don't know or care if people can see it but I feel it... And there isn't a better feeling in my life.
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