Well lately I've found myself watching really old films and TV shows but not just through random reasons everything that I've watched has a memory to it and I feel like I'm living that memory just through watching the show or film... I sounds really stupid but I do the same with songs.. If a song has great memory to it a memory that means a lot to me then when I listen to that song I just find myself in that place and in the time where the memory took place as if its happening all over again.. I see it perfectly and don't realise its just me remembering it feels real and even though it could only last for 4 minutes.. 40 minutes and even an hour and a half it feels like it did when it happened.. Listening to a 4 minute song could make me relive a whole night all over again in the space of that time and then when the song is over I'm just right back to where I was, When I'm watching a TV show I feel like I did when I first watched it.. Warm, Wanted, Cared for and just loved.. Sounds really stupid and cheesy but I've lost that feeling in my life.. I don't feel loved or actually feel love for other people I'm like a completely different person and sometimes I just feel like I'm empty and I would do anything just to feel even slightly like old me again and I think that's why I love reliving those memories so much cause it might only be 4 minutes of feeling that way again but to me it feels like a whole night.
I miss every night feeling perfect and well lived now I just feel bored and I feel like my life is just wasting away I actually don't feel like I have a goal in my life any more and its a horrible feeling, I'm feeling like there is no one there to catch me so I can't fall back and sometimes people just need to fall back and get picked back up because even though it sounds dumb its human everyone has a fall back point I've had it before and even though It lasted most of the summer I had to friends come back into my life and straighten me out and then I was the happiest guy ever but this time it just feels like I'm never going to get picked up again I don't have those people in my life any more and I'm always feeling like the reason and I'm starting to feel like I just don't belong.. Not just with that group of people but anywhere it's one of the most horrible feelings I've every felt..
I have friends quite a lot but I don't see them and hang about with them like I used to and I don't think we ever will, I'm sick of seeing and hearing all the stories and stuff when people are having amazing fun together going to amazing party's even the most simple of things like having someone over and just chilling out with them, I don't know why I can't have that and I really wish I knew how to get it.. I already had It once is that all someone gets?.. One chance?.. Fuck up everything and you have truly lost the feeling that you once had?.
I would do anything just to have my old life back.. not even the one with the amazing girlfriends the one with the amazing friends who where always up for a laugh and always feeling like your part of something never feeling alone, if I had a day where I just felt like shit I always had lots of people just telling me to shut the fuck up and get a smile on my face and to be honest that's what true friends do they make you smile tell you to shut up when need be give you a slap if needed but they would never see you get hurt and right now I don't feel like I have anyone like that in my life any more and I would just love one last chance just to get it all back and make sure I don't fuck it all over again.
I'm also kinda fed up with how everyone is made to feel like they have to be in a relationship and feel like if they ain't having sex that they are just weird I used to be like that "Your holes your goal" kinda guy that's the only bit of my past I don't want back because I was always a horny we bitch but over the past half a year to a year I've kinda just faded out all my ways I don't know if that's me just learning my lesson through losing everything or if that's me growing up... Maybe both?.
Lately lots of things have changed about me and I always though I would hate myself if I changed but I'm actually liking the new me I've kinda learned to tame my anger and use it only when it is needed and I've found other things to use my anger into like creating song lyrics, making up drum beats in my head and soon I can take it out on my guitar so there is lots of things stopping me from shouting at people who don't deserve it cause when I think about all the shit I've done in the past all the crazy nasty shit I've realised that I wouldn't be in this place if I could just cage my anger and release in other ways.
Really in a way losing my friends, family and even people I've been in love with has made a slight positive within my life because I've realised how much of a complete dick I was and I've been able to change my ways.. if all that stuff didn't happen I don't think I would be in a happy place I know I ain't right now but at least other people are happy because if these events didn't happen I would probably still be a little boy in the mind angry in the heart and just all over nasty person.
I used to be cheery and happy but once I had everything I wanted handed to me I took advantage of It I turned into a nasty person and I've learned though that and I've been able to make myself a better person and now I just feel like I'm repeating myself but I guess if this is getting it out my system then who else cares its not like anybody reads my garbage..
Lets just hope I can actually get a job make some money get a house and live a life like most other simpletons and maybe one day be happy like I used to be and who knows I've been in love twice.. there might actually be a third time lucky (:.
So that's me kinda got all this nonsense out my system and now It's time to go into another day and live like my feelings don't have meaning.. Lets hope I find someone who is willing to listen to me, help me and even make me happy I don't need a lover.. right now all I need is a friend.
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