Well lately I've found myself watching really old films and TV shows but not just through random reasons everything that I've watched has a memory to it and I feel like I'm living that memory just through watching the show or film... I sounds really stupid but I do the same with songs.. If a song has great memory to it a memory that means a lot to me then when I listen to that song I just find myself in that place and in the time where the memory took place as if its happening all over again.. I see it perfectly and don't realise its just me remembering it feels real and even though it could only last for 4 minutes.. 40 minutes and even an hour and a half it feels like it did when it happened.. Listening to a 4 minute song could make me relive a whole night all over again in the space of that time and then when the song is over I'm just right back to where I was, When I'm watching a TV show I feel like I did when I first watched it.. Warm, Wanted, Cared for and just loved.. Sounds really stupid and cheesy but I've lost that feeling in my life.. I don't feel loved or actually feel love for other people I'm like a completely different person and sometimes I just feel like I'm empty and I would do anything just to feel even slightly like old me again and I think that's why I love reliving those memories so much cause it might only be 4 minutes of feeling that way again but to me it feels like a whole night.
I miss every night feeling perfect and well lived now I just feel bored and I feel like my life is just wasting away I actually don't feel like I have a goal in my life any more and its a horrible feeling, I'm feeling like there is no one there to catch me so I can't fall back and sometimes people just need to fall back and get picked back up because even though it sounds dumb its human everyone has a fall back point I've had it before and even though It lasted most of the summer I had to friends come back into my life and straighten me out and then I was the happiest guy ever but this time it just feels like I'm never going to get picked up again I don't have those people in my life any more and I'm always feeling like the reason and I'm starting to feel like I just don't belong.. Not just with that group of people but anywhere it's one of the most horrible feelings I've every felt..
I have friends quite a lot but I don't see them and hang about with them like I used to and I don't think we ever will, I'm sick of seeing and hearing all the stories and stuff when people are having amazing fun together going to amazing party's even the most simple of things like having someone over and just chilling out with them, I don't know why I can't have that and I really wish I knew how to get it.. I already had It once is that all someone gets?.. One chance?.. Fuck up everything and you have truly lost the feeling that you once had?.
I would do anything just to have my old life back.. not even the one with the amazing girlfriends the one with the amazing friends who where always up for a laugh and always feeling like your part of something never feeling alone, if I had a day where I just felt like shit I always had lots of people just telling me to shut the fuck up and get a smile on my face and to be honest that's what true friends do they make you smile tell you to shut up when need be give you a slap if needed but they would never see you get hurt and right now I don't feel like I have anyone like that in my life any more and I would just love one last chance just to get it all back and make sure I don't fuck it all over again.
I'm also kinda fed up with how everyone is made to feel like they have to be in a relationship and feel like if they ain't having sex that they are just weird I used to be like that "Your holes your goal" kinda guy that's the only bit of my past I don't want back because I was always a horny we bitch but over the past half a year to a year I've kinda just faded out all my ways I don't know if that's me just learning my lesson through losing everything or if that's me growing up... Maybe both?.
Lately lots of things have changed about me and I always though I would hate myself if I changed but I'm actually liking the new me I've kinda learned to tame my anger and use it only when it is needed and I've found other things to use my anger into like creating song lyrics, making up drum beats in my head and soon I can take it out on my guitar so there is lots of things stopping me from shouting at people who don't deserve it cause when I think about all the shit I've done in the past all the crazy nasty shit I've realised that I wouldn't be in this place if I could just cage my anger and release in other ways.
Really in a way losing my friends, family and even people I've been in love with has made a slight positive within my life because I've realised how much of a complete dick I was and I've been able to change my ways.. if all that stuff didn't happen I don't think I would be in a happy place I know I ain't right now but at least other people are happy because if these events didn't happen I would probably still be a little boy in the mind angry in the heart and just all over nasty person.
I used to be cheery and happy but once I had everything I wanted handed to me I took advantage of It I turned into a nasty person and I've learned though that and I've been able to make myself a better person and now I just feel like I'm repeating myself but I guess if this is getting it out my system then who else cares its not like anybody reads my garbage..
Lets just hope I can actually get a job make some money get a house and live a life like most other simpletons and maybe one day be happy like I used to be and who knows I've been in love twice.. there might actually be a third time lucky (:.
So that's me kinda got all this nonsense out my system and now It's time to go into another day and live like my feelings don't have meaning.. Lets hope I find someone who is willing to listen to me, help me and even make me happy I don't need a lover.. right now all I need is a friend.
Tuesday, 29 March 2011
Monday, 21 March 2011
Timez
Well been in and out of things lately... feel completely sick of people thinking they can come into my life and act like they can own me and act as if they are way better than me and yes this is aimed at Ciaran McCaskill/Seth for he is a massive cunt in society.
I'm sick of females coming into my life and flirting with me and stuff then just changing everything in one day its completely fucked when I was a complete fanny to girls I seemed to pick up the perfect girlfriends but when I've changed and try to be as nice as I can to people I get complete fucked over and made a fool of.
I'm sick of my family, They want me one day then try kicking me out the next.. fucking arseholes I'm trying to get a house and a job at the moment so I have a lot in my mind... I'm lost a lot of good friends lately but at least I've got rid of the arseholes...
I'm trying to change my life and hopefully this point next year I would be in my own house not having to give a fuck about the time wasters in my life.
I'm actually sick of people acting like others.. never find a person who acts themselves now of days and It's actually really fucked up everyone has the same personallity and the same attitude towards things and after a while it just gets boring and I'm really fed up with it.
I'm going to get rid of the rest of the people in my life who act like friends but it turns out they are actually just there for someone to talk to when they are bored cause as we all should know that isn't what a friend is a friend is someone you care for and someone you want to keep in your life through the good and the bads but no when shit gets bad lots of people keep jumping out of the picture.
I've got court on the 1st of April and 9,30 how amazing is that april fools and I have to stand infront of a judge.. I know sounds very entertaining.. I have a lot of shit on my plate and I can't wait to see what happens... If the worst comes to worst then I can get away from all this fucking shit.
I'm sick of females coming into my life and flirting with me and stuff then just changing everything in one day its completely fucked when I was a complete fanny to girls I seemed to pick up the perfect girlfriends but when I've changed and try to be as nice as I can to people I get complete fucked over and made a fool of.
I'm sick of my family, They want me one day then try kicking me out the next.. fucking arseholes I'm trying to get a house and a job at the moment so I have a lot in my mind... I'm lost a lot of good friends lately but at least I've got rid of the arseholes...
I'm trying to change my life and hopefully this point next year I would be in my own house not having to give a fuck about the time wasters in my life.
I'm actually sick of people acting like others.. never find a person who acts themselves now of days and It's actually really fucked up everyone has the same personallity and the same attitude towards things and after a while it just gets boring and I'm really fed up with it.
I'm going to get rid of the rest of the people in my life who act like friends but it turns out they are actually just there for someone to talk to when they are bored cause as we all should know that isn't what a friend is a friend is someone you care for and someone you want to keep in your life through the good and the bads but no when shit gets bad lots of people keep jumping out of the picture.
I've got court on the 1st of April and 9,30 how amazing is that april fools and I have to stand infront of a judge.. I know sounds very entertaining.. I have a lot of shit on my plate and I can't wait to see what happens... If the worst comes to worst then I can get away from all this fucking shit.
Monday, 14 March 2011
The following day.
Last night was completely and utterly amazing couldn't have went better...
Thought I was going to be at the Yashin gig alone so Ciaran McCaskill (Seth) asked around and try to find me people.. Hunted for ages then at the last minute Rachel and Lauren text me letting me know they where there so I asked if I could go in with them ;3 Then In there I met lots of People I know ;D.
The night was amazing Constellations where on first and being a massive fan I was very happy about that and they put on an even better show than last time I saw them and I also got a discount on merch from Geo cause I'm they're biggest fan was really amazing and was really nice getting to see Jeff again he really is an amazingly lovely guy.
There was another band LYU who came on and started out of tune and It was completely horrible but they played 5 songs and the fifth was really nice and it sounded amazing but the rest of they're playlist just wasn't that good in my opinion.
THEN!...
Red Jumpsuit Apparatus came on and the crowd went insane. They where amazing live better than they're recordings I was really happy to have got to see them cause I have been a fan for a long time and It took me back to the days when I started listening to them. They where amazing on stage and very talkative with the crowd and It was really lovely :).
Yashin headlined and they just made the crowd actually go mental it was amazing and they where amazing live and they had the crowd going! Never seen a crowd act like that before it was amazing and they had the best mosh pit I've ever been in.
Was actually one of the greatest night of my life :)
Thought I was going to be at the Yashin gig alone so Ciaran McCaskill (Seth) asked around and try to find me people.. Hunted for ages then at the last minute Rachel and Lauren text me letting me know they where there so I asked if I could go in with them ;3 Then In there I met lots of People I know ;D.
The night was amazing Constellations where on first and being a massive fan I was very happy about that and they put on an even better show than last time I saw them and I also got a discount on merch from Geo cause I'm they're biggest fan was really amazing and was really nice getting to see Jeff again he really is an amazingly lovely guy.
There was another band LYU who came on and started out of tune and It was completely horrible but they played 5 songs and the fifth was really nice and it sounded amazing but the rest of they're playlist just wasn't that good in my opinion.
THEN!...
Red Jumpsuit Apparatus came on and the crowd went insane. They where amazing live better than they're recordings I was really happy to have got to see them cause I have been a fan for a long time and It took me back to the days when I started listening to them. They where amazing on stage and very talkative with the crowd and It was really lovely :).
Yashin headlined and they just made the crowd actually go mental it was amazing and they where amazing live and they had the crowd going! Never seen a crowd act like that before it was amazing and they had the best mosh pit I've ever been in.
Was actually one of the greatest night of my life :)
Friday, 11 March 2011
Back again.
Not bad... 3 months and 12 days into 2011 and only been depressed twice... I think that is truly amazing... But this time last year I don't think the depressing things started... But this depressions is something that's leading into long term and It doesn't have current cause its just me thinking about past.. and that has proven to be a horrible idea.. I've been just sitting in the house tonight and listening to a song that isn't the happiest of things to listen to but I like it so I couldn't turn it off.. Been listening to the song for 5 and a half hours... Changing it now though..
It's been a happy year so far.. New friends.. just all in new me.. I don't rely on people as much and through 2010 I learned lots and I was a complete mess but that a lesson learned... I though through everything that went wrong.. what was holding me back and stuff.. I can't just through it to the back of my head and It wasn't helping just trying to drink my problems away so I've tried facing them but I can't and I can't just talk them out to anyone so back the the whole 'It didn't happen' kinda thing.. but that fails and gets me nowhere.
I lost a lot through 2010 I fucked up my whole life.. done things that are unchangeable and I dunno how I would be living right now if it didn't happen cause It brought me and my mother closer together cause I respect her action towards what was happening and I love how she doesn't bring it up she just helped me out and moved on as if nothing went wrong in the first place but sometimes when I'm alone with her I wonder if she thinks about it... It wasn't just the easiest to forget of things and It is a hard thing to deal through not just for me but my mum for my gran and for the other person involved.
I know that my Gran thinks about it a lot cause she always speaks about it.. she tries to make me feel good about it and I just put on a happy face and pretend like It's ok but really it's cutting my insides to shreds and makes me just want to go back to drink and just get pissed and try to drown my days away thinking about ended my life through it all but still to this day I'm trying to be strong and this is like a day off that I just have to try to get out my system.
I think about silly little thinks about if it all went differently like where I would be today.. would it have been happier and better? would it feel complete? or would it be hard to live though? would I not be able to handle the pressure it brought? No one would ever know and that's a kinda pathetic and shit thing to think about I know but it was there.. and that's all I think about.
It's hard to be around most of my family sometimes because of it because its like right in my face.. there is very few people that know about it in my family but them who do I don't know how to hide it from them.. my Gran can see it in me.. she knows when it's in my head but I don't know about my Mum because as I said she just kinda leaves it where it is.. in the past and it's not something you want to have a conversation about with your son and I understand that but one night of crying and getting her and my auntie to hug into me wasn't enough.. I just kinda need the relief of it and I just don't know or understand how to get it.
The rest of my year has been fun through hanging with friend some really amazing party's also meeting new people that are very lovely.
I appreciate the things that people are doing for me more and I'm less reliant on people so that's a positive me and my family are closer and I'm putting myself in good position now I've grown up over the past 3 months and I don't know or care if people can see it but I feel it... And there isn't a better feeling in my life.
It's been a happy year so far.. New friends.. just all in new me.. I don't rely on people as much and through 2010 I learned lots and I was a complete mess but that a lesson learned... I though through everything that went wrong.. what was holding me back and stuff.. I can't just through it to the back of my head and It wasn't helping just trying to drink my problems away so I've tried facing them but I can't and I can't just talk them out to anyone so back the the whole 'It didn't happen' kinda thing.. but that fails and gets me nowhere.
I lost a lot through 2010 I fucked up my whole life.. done things that are unchangeable and I dunno how I would be living right now if it didn't happen cause It brought me and my mother closer together cause I respect her action towards what was happening and I love how she doesn't bring it up she just helped me out and moved on as if nothing went wrong in the first place but sometimes when I'm alone with her I wonder if she thinks about it... It wasn't just the easiest to forget of things and It is a hard thing to deal through not just for me but my mum for my gran and for the other person involved.
I know that my Gran thinks about it a lot cause she always speaks about it.. she tries to make me feel good about it and I just put on a happy face and pretend like It's ok but really it's cutting my insides to shreds and makes me just want to go back to drink and just get pissed and try to drown my days away thinking about ended my life through it all but still to this day I'm trying to be strong and this is like a day off that I just have to try to get out my system.
I think about silly little thinks about if it all went differently like where I would be today.. would it have been happier and better? would it feel complete? or would it be hard to live though? would I not be able to handle the pressure it brought? No one would ever know and that's a kinda pathetic and shit thing to think about I know but it was there.. and that's all I think about.
It's hard to be around most of my family sometimes because of it because its like right in my face.. there is very few people that know about it in my family but them who do I don't know how to hide it from them.. my Gran can see it in me.. she knows when it's in my head but I don't know about my Mum because as I said she just kinda leaves it where it is.. in the past and it's not something you want to have a conversation about with your son and I understand that but one night of crying and getting her and my auntie to hug into me wasn't enough.. I just kinda need the relief of it and I just don't know or understand how to get it.
The rest of my year has been fun through hanging with friend some really amazing party's also meeting new people that are very lovely.
I appreciate the things that people are doing for me more and I'm less reliant on people so that's a positive me and my family are closer and I'm putting myself in good position now I've grown up over the past 3 months and I don't know or care if people can see it but I feel it... And there isn't a better feeling in my life.
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