Feel like everything keeps getting slightly better then fucking up all over again.. I'm currently trying to find a home and also sell all my stuff just so I can afford somewhere to live and for stuff to eat.
I'm hating everything around me right now because everything makes me feel worse about my self I do stupid things its usually a spur of the moment kind of thing but something I wanted to do for a really really long time but I feel bad about it.

I feel like what I want and what I get are completely different things even though what I want isn't that much to ask for.. I don't care much for big fancy houses and flashy cars, I don't need the most fashionable of clothing I don't need millions of friends all I wan't is someone to talk to in a flat that feels comfortable with a family who could talk to me..
I would love to be able to feel something for someone without it being a bad thing..


It's 3am so I'm just going to stay awake go to the housing for more help about stuff then work.. gonna be shattered but it has to be all done..

I just wish I could just relive friday-saturday against.. having friends and just bursting my heart out to them.. I woke up last night remembering everything from the Friday and just talking to people about my problems felt amazing feeling like I can open up to people without it coming back at me later on.

Indeed

I get hardly any sleep I'm either in lots of pain or I just keep thinking about shit in the past and how dramatically different my life would be and would I like it that way or would I just feel trapped?.
I feel like everyone around me is fading away once more but this time I actually don't feel that bad about it I'm thinking about just becoming fully dedicated to my work and just forgetting about everything else because at the end of the day I just think.. Is it all worth it? like seriously.. what the fuck is the point in all of this..
I'm feeling really fed up with everything and to be honest I don't care how emo that sounds because Its the truth I'm losing everything I have left so all I will have is my job and my bed and to be honest I wont complain about that because I've lost what I've loved so their ain't a care in the world to lose the rest.

Fuckity fun.

Well two days ago I finally got my drum kit of which I have been dreaming of for years... spend quite a lot of money on it and my mother said "Least you have something to take you anger out on." ha. I went to test my symbols and then my "Neighbour" came down treating me like shit saying that she is going to kick my head in... she clearly isn't since she has been saying that to me for about 5 years now..

I seriously hate where I live I cant talk without getting a complaint...
I can't play music, drums or even laugh loud.

My mum needs somewhere away from bitchy cows of neighbours.
I work my whole day away.. I get stressed at work and I also have all this shit going through my mind of which I want to just release it all into the world and I could do that in a positive way by using my drums but naw.. cause a stupid cow wants to moan about fucking everything It's shit.

I actually couldn't care less what she says on Saturday cause them drums are smached into like it or not... And its gonna be even worse cause I will have all this stress building up to more and more..
And yes... this will be fucking epic.

Adventures beyond the Movies.

Well recently I've made an amazing friend called Luke who is really funny and has one of the funniest personality's I've seen in a while!.. He has took most of my free time we hung out all last weekend and he kept me really entertained for some time and he also was with me through the whole kelvin grove street party and that has got to be one of the best highlights recently! I was on his shoulders in the rave and it ended up making it on youtube and he also started mosh pits that was also awesome cause like everyone of them where successful.
We also went to Balloch together and he made me go into the freezing cold water of which made me feel like I was dying and then when I went to go out a guy pushed me back in it was fun but very cold.

Since the past few days I've been having the worlds worst migraines I've been off work of which sucks rather a lot I enjoy my job its very entertaining always keeps me busy and there is always a laugh to be had the bosses are all brand new and the work is easy enough to get through and by the end of the day I feel shattered but in an amazing way cause I know that I've worked my hardest.

I'm really looking forward to tonight cause I'm going to the pub with Luke and since every time we are something amazing happens it makes it even more better to Luke forward to.

Well since thats just me updated the past week then I guess I'm done :) goodbye.

Taking steps but going nowhere.

Lately I've just been completely focused around work and I've found myself in a really boring situation so with the day off I really want to have a great laugh cause I really miss always going out and I miss all my old friends and I just miss being hyper and letting myself out personality wise...

For this weekend off so far I get to see my old friend Liam of whom is very awesome and always has a funny story to tell I also get to pay my first 30 quid towards my drum kit and I get to spend some more time with Alex cause I haven't seen her in quite some time and this will hopefully be more fun than the past few times.. I also hope on seeing Chelsea Ross, Megan Ward and Andrew Kidd because they are my favourite people to be around not a minute I can be depressed or anything cause they always keep me laughing and always keep me smiling and they bring out the true me.

Through the past few months I've found myself changing more and more and some are positives and some... not so much. I've seen a mega personality change in myself through that there is some positive because I've grown up and matured a lot and that could be took in lots of good ways but I'm also losing the me that I love being because I love being hyper I love jumping around and getting crazy and thats the me that most people know.. like it or not thats still me.
I keep changing my look but hopefully after my hair cut and stuff I can find one that I feel suits me perfectly.

Hopefully within the next few weeks of my new job I can settle down to being who I like to be and I really hope I get to see my friends more because without them I'm never gonna go back to the Craig that I enjoy being so much.

In this audience of one,

Well lately I've found myself watching really old films and TV shows but not just through random reasons everything that I've watched has a memory to it and I feel like I'm living that memory just through watching the show or film... I sounds really stupid but I do the same with songs.. If a song has great memory to it a memory that means a lot to me then when I listen to that song I just find myself in that place and in the time where the memory took place as if its happening all over again.. I see it perfectly and don't realise its just me remembering it feels real and even though it could only last for 4 minutes.. 40 minutes and even an hour and a half it feels like it did when it happened.. Listening to a 4 minute song could make me relive a whole night all over again in the space of that time and then when the song is over I'm just right back to where I was, When I'm watching a TV show I feel like I did when I first watched it.. Warm, Wanted, Cared for and just loved.. Sounds really stupid and cheesy but I've lost that feeling in my life.. I don't feel loved or actually feel love for other people I'm like a completely different person and sometimes I just feel like I'm empty and I would do anything just to feel even slightly like old me again and I think that's why I love reliving those memories so much cause it might only be 4 minutes of feeling that way again but to me it feels like a whole night.

I miss every night feeling perfect and well lived now I just feel bored and I feel like my life is just wasting away I actually don't feel like I have a goal in my life any more and its a horrible feeling, I'm feeling like there is no one there to catch me so I can't fall back and sometimes people just need to fall back and get picked back up because even though it sounds dumb its human everyone has a fall back point I've had it before and even though It lasted most of the summer I had to friends come back into my life and straighten me out and then I was the happiest guy ever but this time it just feels like I'm never going to get picked up again I don't have those people in my life any more and I'm always feeling like the reason and I'm starting to feel like I just don't belong.. Not just with that group of people but anywhere it's one of the most horrible feelings I've every felt..
I have friends quite a lot but I don't see them and hang about with them like I used to and I don't think we ever will, I'm sick of seeing and hearing all the stories and stuff when people are having amazing fun together going to amazing party's even the most simple of things like having someone over and just chilling out with them, I don't know why I can't have that and I really wish I knew how to get it.. I already had It once is that all someone gets?.. One chance?.. Fuck up everything and you have truly lost the feeling that you once had?.

I would do anything just to have my old life back.. not even the one with the amazing girlfriends the one with the amazing friends who where always up for a laugh and always feeling like your part of something never feeling alone, if I had a day where I just felt like shit I always had lots of people just telling me to shut the fuck up and get a smile on my face and to be honest that's what true friends do they make you smile tell you to shut up when need be give you a slap if needed but they would never see you get hurt and right now I don't feel like I have anyone like that in my life any more and I would just love one last chance just to get it all back and make sure I don't fuck it all over again.

I'm also kinda fed up with how everyone is made to feel like they have to be in a relationship and feel like if they ain't having sex that they are just weird I used to be like that "Your holes your goal" kinda guy that's the only bit of my past I don't want back because I was always a horny we bitch but over the past half a year to a year I've kinda just faded out all my ways I don't know if that's me just learning my lesson through losing everything or if that's me growing up... Maybe both?.

Lately lots of things have changed about me and I always though I would hate myself if I changed but I'm actually liking the new me I've kinda learned to tame my anger and use it only when it is needed and I've found other things to use my anger into like creating song lyrics, making up drum beats in my head and soon I can take it out on my guitar so there is lots of things stopping me from shouting at people who don't deserve it cause when I think about all the shit I've done in the past all the crazy nasty shit I've realised that I wouldn't be in this place if I could just cage my anger and release in other ways.

Really in a way losing my friends, family and even people I've been in love with has made a slight positive within my life because I've realised how much of a complete dick I was and I've been able to change my ways.. if all that stuff didn't happen I don't think I would be in a happy place I know I ain't right now but at least other people are happy because if these events didn't happen I would probably still be a little boy in the mind angry in the heart and just all over nasty person.
I used to be cheery and happy but once I had everything I wanted handed to me I took advantage of It I turned into a nasty person and I've learned though that and I've been able to make myself a better person and now I just feel like I'm repeating myself but I guess if this is getting it out my system then who else cares its not like anybody reads my garbage..

Lets just hope I can actually get a job make some money get a house and live a life like most other simpletons and maybe one day be happy like I used to be and who knows I've been in love twice.. there might actually be a third time lucky (:.

So that's me kinda got all this nonsense out my system and now It's time to go into another day and live like my feelings don't have meaning.. Lets hope I find someone who is willing to listen to me, help me and even make me happy I don't need a lover.. right now all I need is a friend.

Timez

Well been in and out of things lately... feel completely sick of people thinking they can come into my life and act like they can own me and act as if they are way better than me and yes this is aimed at Ciaran McCaskill/Seth for he is a massive cunt in society.

I'm sick of females coming into my life and flirting with me and stuff then just changing everything in one day its completely fucked when I was a complete fanny to girls I seemed to pick up the perfect girlfriends but when I've changed and try to be as nice as I can to people I get complete fucked over and made a fool of.

I'm sick of my family, They want me one day then try kicking me out the next.. fucking arseholes I'm trying to get a house and a job at the moment so I have a lot in my mind... I'm lost a lot of good friends lately but at least I've got rid of the arseholes...
I'm trying to change my life and hopefully this point next year I would be in my own house not having to give a fuck about the time wasters in my life.

I'm actually sick of people acting like others.. never find a person who acts themselves now of days and It's actually really fucked up everyone has the same personallity and the same attitude towards things and after a while it just gets boring and I'm really fed up with it.

I'm going to get rid of the rest of the people in my life who act like friends but it turns out they are actually just there for someone to talk to when they are bored cause as we all should know that isn't what a friend is a friend is someone you care for and someone you want to keep in your life through the good and the bads but no when shit gets bad lots of people keep jumping out of the picture.

I've got court on the 1st of April and 9,30 how amazing is that april fools and I have to stand infront of a judge.. I know sounds very entertaining.. I have a lot of shit on my plate and I can't wait to see what happens... If the worst comes to worst then I can get away from all this fucking shit.